Copyright © 2001 by William Mistele. All rights reserved.
Kamhia, A Story Told in Five Parts
Kamhia the Oathbreaker
Kamhia’s Favorite Demons
Kamhia’s Discussion with God
Kamhia Commits Heresy
The Goddess of the Earth
A Few Sayings by Kamhia:
Find what is within you and you shall attain salvation. Fail to find what is within you and you risk damnation.
In a society where women are not fully aroused the eyes of men are blind and their hearts are closed. Such men fail to attain to their destiny because the inner light shining in all things does not illuminate their vision.
A Fragment from Kamhia’s Poem:
I am haunted by moments of enlightenment:
I see the world with perfect clarity--
All that has been and all that shall be--
Nothing is hidden from me.
But then, amid the vision, I awaken
Abandoned and forlorn,
Forsaken and alone--a lost soul
Condemned to live forever without a home.
In the Kingdoms of Ubarim, literary professors over the next few centuries would trace back to the above poem the beginning of the concept of the antihero, or more specifically, the theme of the antipriest in literature. It provided comic relief and a more realistic portrayal describing the life of those who turned away from the world to attain spirituality.
In theological circles, Kamhia never regained his reputation since he had committed an abomination. But among the masses, an underground movement arose in which some of his writings were taken to be prophecy of the first order. Unlike seminaries and ecclesiastical orders in which sanctity is valued as much as conformity, the wider population has the intelligence to distinguish between an individual’s personal life and the voice with which he speaks.
Introduction. Kamhia was one of those individuals who would have succeeded in rising through the ranks to the highest levels of the priesthood no matter what religion into which he was born. He had a great acumen for knowing what was the best way to present himself, to develop the right connections, and to say the right thing at the right time in order to maintain his integrity and to defend his reputation.
At the same time, he was also one of those individuals who would eventually come to risk his reputation and his life in order to seek a higher truth. It is not that he acquired doubts or strayed from righteousness when he was about two thirds of the way through his life. Rather, no matter how great the wisdom of a religion, Kamhia eventually would discover that at best it only expresses a small part of the truth of the universe.
It was a blessing and also a curse that he could see what made people believe what they believed. He was an adept at offering others reassurance and peace. Why, just placing his hands on another person’s head produced a profound feeling of well-being. Individuals felt freed of their sins and mistakes. And not only that, grief, sorrow, loss, anxiety, anguish, despair--these too vanished into the air. As you can imagine, Kamhia’s presence was always in high demand.
But, in the end, Kamhia realized that beyond the safe horizons of what people believe is an abyss of unknown intensity. His curiosity and his lust for knowledge leads him to pass through the gates of the forbidden in search of the truth, whatever that may be.
It is a sure bet, then, that at some point in his career Kamhia will be not only demoted but also either exiled or put to death. His offenses are that great. Few can tolerate the presence of a person in their midst who can taste with his five senses the things which for them are forbidden. Then again, when it comes to exploring the forbidden, Kamhia is also highly gifted.
The Oathbreaker: A Story Told by Kamhia
When I was young, I made a terrible mistake. This occurred during the loneliest and most solitary period of my life. At that time, I was drawn to live by myself in the wilderness far from human company. It was a time of passion and intense pain.
You could say I was caught in a psychic riptide, a place where the human spirit must struggle to survive. Restless, I demanded an answer from myself. I wanted to know through personal experience the source of all dreams and visions underlying all ideals, destinies, and spiritual paths on earth. Nothing else would satisfy me. I was tired of corruption, narrow-mindedness, selfishness, and self-righteousness. I wanted more than what I understood was available. I wanted that basic experience that is part of any genuine initiation--to taste wonder, awe, and mystery so it overflows from my heart.
There is a physical union a man has with a woman. There is also a union of the masculine and feminine spirits. This was my great conflict. I did not want one without the other. I wanted to love a woman with all of my heart. I wanted to be joined to my lover in body, soul, mind, and spirit. Little did I understand the difficulties and obstacles such a desire entails. And so, like a fool, I vowed to God-- “When I love a woman, I will love her with all of my heart.”
Now the problem with a magical oath, as everyone knows, is that the spiritual world takes you up on your offer. It proceeds to lay the foundation for the result you have proposed--it does whatever needs to be done so that the result may be accomplished. But you must also fulfill your part in the bargain.
After this, I fell in love with many women but none whom I could love with all of his heart. And so my problem. In each woman, I did not find a lover. After a week, a month, or years, I would awake in the morning, my world grown dark. This is because I found inside of each woman, no matter how beautiful and wonderful she was, that there was a demon I had called into being, evoked into her body and soul as a result of breaking my oath to God.
Had I indeed broken my oath? Yes, I had. In fact, along the way I forgot that I had ever made it. The oath required of me that whatever woman I loved I love her with all of his heart. And this I failed to do, for when an individual loves another person with all of the heart, the powers of God are unleashed. Minted and designed to create like the divine, I had become instead an artist without inspiration. And when someone has no inspiration but is destined to create, well, you find yourself under the jurisdiction of demons.
But what is the purpose of demons really? Do they not serve to guide us back to the light? Are they not there to save the one who slips at the edge of an abyss so that next time he is more aware of his choice? Are they not a life preserver thrown to a drowning man who has failed to learn how to swim? They teach swimming lessons for a price.
Do they not offer us the experience, precisely what we need, to steel our wills, to remake our lives, to revive our conscience so that we return again and seek our origins as creative beings who are a part of a divine universe? Even so, again and again a demon would appear to me within the woman. I could see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice. I could feel it in her touch. From nothing I did or failed to do, a demonic bitterness, resentment, and hatred sought to devour me arising from out of the soul of the woman.
But I have come to see the truth in it. My vow had taken me and whoever I sought to love beyond the known boundaries of the world. We were destined for a higher love, a love I had failed to attain. And so on such a journey, the woman, to defend her sanity, had to rely upon demons as her allies.
I know it sounds odd to say it that way. But when you take a woman beyond her depths, panic and hysteria are cleverly disguised. The woman not only secretly hates you. Surrounded by the magic of this strange spiritual domain, she becomes skilled in the arts of deception, betrayal, pain, suffering, domination, like a vampire and banshee, like the succubus and the phantom, offering not new life, hope, love, and joy. Rather, she learns to steal hope and to destroy all joy
And so for decades I was haunted by this vision: whenever I sought to love a woman, the beauty I saw within her became a mirror. And the image that appeared in the mirror was that of a darkness approaching me seeking to capture, contain, and then devour.
Kamhia’s Favorite Demons
Demon # 1. For each higher spirit overseeing the earth and its evolution, there is also a negative counterpart. Human beings have a choice. There are different ways to learn the same thing--easy ways and hand ways. Quick ways and slow way. Wise ways and foolish ways. You get to customize your route to enlightenment and wisdom.
The positive spirit which the Kingdoms of Ubarim are named after teaches how to feel one with your lover so that you also feel one with the universe. Love and physics are the same thing for the spirit called Ubarim. Matter and spirit have no separation.
The negative spirit who is comparable to Ubarim but in a dark aspect is not after oneness. But he is very big on bonding. His teachings are about how to dominate and to attain absolute control over another. You see, with the negative spirit, the feeling of connection is so much easier to attain. The gratification is so much more immediate. And overwhelming feelings can be acquired through the way you touch with your fingertips.
The thing that makes Kamhia rather unusual is that he had room in his heart for both the positive and the negative. He does not discriminate. Kamhia loves the universe and he loves a relationship through which the beauty of the universe can manifest. After all, Kamhia has served as the high priest to the king of Ubarim. Kamhia understands genuine inspiration.
On the other hand, Kamhia loved passion and the dark fires that feed them. There are many myths that speak of this, but to put it simply, Kamhia loved lust. He knew what all mythologies know on some level that lust is the fire that the Buddhas of the eons transform in order to attain to perfect enlightenment.
Kamhia was not about to seek enlightenment before letting that fire burn in his soul so he could taste its hunger and its craving. For Kamhia there was something wonderful about achieving absolute power over a woman. If he became all yang, she became all yin. He was power, authority, faith, and conviction. She was yielding, submissive, receptive, and his to do with as he wished. In such relationships, Kamhia asked himself many times, “Can it ever get better than this?”
What Kamhia learned from the dark side is that you have to exert your full will if you wish to get what you want out of life. Oh, for sure, that dark side has many traps and pits and it is a dungeon all in itself. If you get stuck there, you really do not learn anything new from life. You dwell in the past. It becomes your prison. You can play a song with different notes and cords and words but it is still the same old melody. Your life becomes wrapped around a conflict that plays itself out in countless new situations without ever resolving and attaining harmony.
Kamhia loved the past because he loved to search through the dungeons of desire. He knew that in them was hidden the forgotten seeds of what the future would bring. To put it briefly, if you want to attain enlightenment, you have to come to terms with the dark fires that brought the stars into being. Over the years, Kamhia became a master of the ancient, primordial fires. I think it is fair to say that you could never accuse Kamhia of being pure but you could never fault him for failing to seek wisdom.
No doubt, there was a faster way than the one Kamhia was pursuing. You recall that Solomon, the one ordained by God to be the wisest of all men, was at the end of his life lead astray by women. Solomon turned away from worshiping the one true God by making offerings to false gods who were only idols.
In one story, a demon even boasted to Solomon that late in life Solomon would put aside his love of God for the sake of loving women. I guess the demon somehow convinced Solomon that the two are somehow separate. I am sure the details would make an interesting story but that has to be told at another time.
But obviously, if you want to lead someone astray, what is a better way than by using beauty and love? Intimacy gets to the heart of things a little quicker than anything else I can think of. Why this method is in all the spy manuals under how to gain new recruits or turning the enemy to your side. Why Balaam himself had pointed out to the king of Edom that the way to defeat Israel was for Israel to have a falling out with their God. And the way to do this was to get the men to mate with foreign women. In any case, this method has been employed long before Solomon’s wisdom failed the test of women.
The lady sent to Kamhia by the demon was a most wonderful woman. To touch her, just to hold her hands, why Kamhia felt he was transported into the presence of his Guardian Angel. And looking into her eyes, Kamhia often wondered if it was not the Goddess of the Earth who was looking back at him from inside. These two innocent aspects of sensual exchange--holding hands and gazing in your lover’s eyes so as to produce angelic and divine visions--I have never read about this in any love manual.
There is an exception of course. Dante, in one glance at Beatrice, was inspired to write the Divine Comedy--a journey through hell and then on to heaven. Unfortunately, Kamhia’s tendencies did not lead in the direction of creative imagination since he was so obsessed with sensual gratification. But then again, the theology of Ubarim required that you first materialize a vision within your body before you even think about formulating a doctrine. In Ubarim, Dante would have been considered a heretic, a charlatan, or else characterized along the lines of a Don Quixote.
In my opinion, I think the demon was taking something very wonderful that was part of Kamhia’s destiny and giving him a taste of this wonder before Kamhia was ready to absorb the experience. The demon saw in Kamhia a man with many latent powers and spiritual gifts. And so the demon offered Kamhia an opportunity to test and develop his gifts before he was mature enough to understand their proper application. He was granted bliss before he was wise enough to understand the dedication that must accompany it.
Here is a poem Kamhia wrote about this woman he had tried so hard to love--
Surely the beauty in her face
Is a thief stealing my happiness
Leaving emptiness in its place.
Every single time I see her
Her presence, her grace
Bind me with chains of desire
Torture me with flames of pain
Force me to walk within my dreams
And then watch them all betrayed.
Demon # 2.
Kamhia: “Before I became a priest, a great spirit of love and peace appeared to me during the Rites of Spring. I recognized him immediately. He was like an old friend.”
“He said, ‘I notice that you have been working with the dark lord who is the negative version of myself. And like him your aura has grown opaque and full of pools of sorrow and pain. I thought you might like a little touch of unrestrained bliss filled with light and love to cheer you up.’
“And before the spirit was done speaking, I felt released, renewed, and once again optimistic about the purpose of my life.
“Later on that night, I placed myself in a trance and spoke with this spirit again. He replied in answer to my questions, ‘Every desire has a time when it is satisfied in every conceivable manner. Then the mind blossoms like a flower and is radiant like a star that shines. I can explain what you need to do so love takes hold of you.
“‘Unlike my counterpart, illusions cannot endure my presence. And unlike him, I am not limited in what I may feel or imagine. When I love, my desire and passion have no boundaries, for I tell you love is a cosmic power and a consuming fire that transforms itself and all that it touches. Therefore, learn from me that affection, trust, and love have the advantage in any situation.’”
Kamhia thought about the spirit’s words. Kamhia then made a life time commitment to mastering this spirit’s teachings. But it was also the case that Kamhia thought to himself that such outrageously positive and commanding powers of creativity were not quite what he needed on a daily basis. Kamhia felt he needed something more immediate that could take hold of and command his instinctual cravings so he could make sense of them.
And the demon knew this also and sought to take advantage of it. Kamhia needed a passport and a tour guide into the five kingdoms of sensual gratification. This the demon was ready to provide.
You see, this demon is skillful in reading your mind. He discovers your deepest dreams and desires for love and then produces an image of that love so it is right in front of you. It is inviting and enticing, the sweetest thing you can imagine.
Of course, this experience is not exactly what you intended. A demon is after all a demon. What it produces is an illusion, something stale, empty, and dead. Oh, you may say to yourself, “My whole life has been a journey leading me to this moment in time.”
But guess again. The demon has apprentices whom he is quite willing to share. These individuals do not seek to be whole or healed. They only desire to pull others into the hideous pit of toxic emotions in which they dwell. This is because such individuals love what is familiar--the unknown, even if its name is freedom, is for them a living hell.
Healthy individuals do not obsess on each other when they love. They have too many creative and enjoyable things to do. But those who embody the negative have only you. Consequently, they will do whatever is necessary--focusing their whole mind and soul on your needs--in order to persuade you that their love is genuine. Deception is their specialty. They may say, “Who has ever loved you like me? Who has ever given you so much? Hold me and love me now and you will forget your doubts and frustrations. All that counts is living in the here and now. Take me and use me in any way you want. No one will ever compare to me--no one has my imagination--when it comes to offering physical gratification.”
Kamhia met and fell in love with several apprentices of this demon. Of course, Kamhia knew what he was doing. He was fully aware that there is a difference between the positive and the negative. But he also knew that in life, unlike in the higher spiritual realms, the positive and the negative are often intertwined.
As I have mentioned before, Eros causes us to fall in love. Eros blinds us so that we fail to see each other’s faults. But erotic attraction grants no wisdom. It does not come equipped with the intelligence required for making relationships work out. It simply gets you connected in order to provide the world with a future.
But the demon also knew about his counterpart’s positive arts of transformation. And so there were many nights when Kamhia and the demon engaged in long conversations. The demon would argue in this way--
“Go ahead. Pick any feeling--affection, tenderness, kindness, contentment, serenity, love, hope, joy, friendship, enthusiasm, rapture, peace, passion, or well-being. Pick any sensation--pleasure, arousal, excitement, attraction, sensuality, bliss, ecstasy. Pick one and I will put you instantly into a dream where you will experience that feeling or sensation in every aspect and nuance until you are utterly convinced that I can cause to manifest more than you can imagine.”
Kamhia accepted the spirit’s challenge. Kamhia replied at one time, “Alright. I want the feeling of being one with the universe and one with a woman in the same moment. After all, what is a woman for a man but the beauty of nature right there in front of him available to touch, to taste, and to melt into him at his command.”
And the demon replied, “Ah yes, this is what I like so much about you. Unlike so many others with their petty and boring requests for wealth, fame, and pleasure, you bring your full imagination to the bargaining table.”
Then, with a wave of his hands and a few words of incantation, the demon called forth an eerie green and purple light to fill the room along with incense of cinnamon and cloves. And there was a sound too if you listened carefully--the sound of sirens chanting hypnotic mantras designed to fill your soul with palpable and intoxicating delights.
And then Kamhia beheld a vision of the sky becoming a sea and the galaxies as islands. He, Kamhia, was the captain of a galleon, a merchant who traded in the treasures and ecstasies of all civilizations. Where some kind of knowledge, pleasure, or power was rare, Kamhia would sell it at just the right price to make himself rich, rich enough to command his own empire.
And there, at his side, his love mistress was his slave, bred to serve and to obey. Trained to give every pleasure without lacking in grace, she was his--an enchantress whose fingers could trace the fibers of every nerve in his body and ignite the fire in every desire in his soul. Every day she had some new satisfaction or gratification to unfold.
The truth is, Kamhia took for himself one of this demon’s apprentices for the sake of pursuing this vision. The pleasures she granted were very much beyond the powers of his mind to comprehend. They seemed to go on without end. But Kamhia noticed after a time what was missing.
Though the demon and his servants are like a mirror that calls forth your deepest desires so that you can touch them, taste them, and keep them near, this mirror has a flaw and a crack. It can not reflect back what it itself lacks.
That sacred space where two become one, joined in love--this was something the demon and his servants could never dream of or imagine.
And so Kamhia had a terrible realization. He saw that the love he sought to express--to nuture, to protect, and to shelter the other with all of his heart--it had all come to naught. The love he had imagined had no foundation. His hope had been an illusion. Of course, it does not take a demon to get yourself in this situation. The disaster is common enough.
But I sometimes wonder if Kamhia had looked more carefully at his experience with this woman if he might not of found the spark of divine inspiration that was seeking to ignite within him in spite of his pain and his loss. I think Kamhia at times turned away from the light because it was too bright. This is the poem Kamhia wrote to this woman after his love had failed.
In your hands I am emptiness
Darkness is my abode
A place where the soul lost
A time when the heart grows cold
The river flowing to the sea finds peace
The wave breaking on the shore finds release
Starlight falls about me in curtains of luminous rain
Oh night of dazzling pain
Is there no shelter for my heart?
I am in a universe without stars
Now that you from my life depart.
Demon # 3. One day in deep meditation, Kamhia encountered an angel of wisdom who presides over the 18th degree of Scorpio. This spirit said to Kamhia, “Your chakras have an unusual configuration. In some ways you are very advanced. Your abilities are greatly enhanced. But in other ways you have the needs of a primordial dragon.
“Like an alchemist, you must mix light and darkness, masculine and feminine in just the right amounts to obtain the elixir of wisdom. Yet the path of spirit for you passes through the density of matter and the dark void that lies underneath. Your quest requires of you to obtain absolute power over another.
“But this will not be a problem for you if you command the other with love and honor. Primordial powers are in your hands. This path into the hidden and the forbidden is not easy, this yoke of blind craving has been placed on you by fate.
“Understand what is at stake. Once every few hundred years an individual is assigned this task. It is a test to your race to see if someone is able to pass through a sacred space--the gate that leads to cosmic wisdom. If you should succeed--in the day your mastery is complete--you shall be like unto us--servants of Divine Providence who are benefactors of light, love, freedom, and grace.”
After this encounter, Kamhia could see the energy that vibrates in each person’s body. He did not always understand what he saw but he did take note whenever he saw something new. It became easy for him to identity why this person was clever, that person was brilliant, or someone else was patient and enduring. It was as easy as telling summer from winter.
Kamhia saw what was behind the fear in an individual’s eyes. He saw the secret dreams that appeared only in deep sleep that made this person restless and that person wise. He saw why one person loved with power and another person’s heart would remain wounded the rest of his life. The energy they possessed told the whole story. At a glance, Kamhia could determine an individual’s qualities of mind, of soul, of body, and of spirit.
But it is also the case that you do not go wandering about in the spiritual realms, on the inner planes and domains of the invisible worlds, without those who hold power taking note as you approach. And so the demon corresponding to the same angel came around. You can bet on this being the case without a doubt, for this is how the universe works. You can not draw close to the light without having to deal, to steal, to defend yourself, or make friends with the darkness also.
Waiting until Kamhia was in just the right mood, the demon slipped into Kamhia’s room appearing right there in the air before him. And Kamhia felt a tingling sensation in the soles of his feet. This sensation began to build until it became a throbbing, palpitating shaking as if the ground were quaking. Something immense was beginning to stir in the earth or else within his soul--he could not quite tell whether it was real, a vision, or a dream he was having.
His body felt heavy. He tried to lift his arm but he found his body was paralyzed. He was unable to move as if he were enchased in a huge boulder made of steel.
It took a while for Kamhia to come to his senses and regain his composure. But this demon was patient, not at all in a hurry. The demon then said to Kamhia, “Excuse my uninvited arrival, but I have come to express my concern. There is an emptiness inside of you. You know exactly what I am talking about. You just haven’t admitted to your self that your condition is unbearable. But I am sure you must know that you have to do something about it before things worsens. I can help you get out of your situation.”
“And how would you do that?” asked Kamhia.
The demon replied, “I possess the very thing you lack. Oneness with another has not yet entered your experience. This treasure is right here at my fingertips. I can teach you the words to whisper in a woman’s ear so this wonder can appear. In regard to producing physical sensations of oneness, I am like no other.
“Every nerve ending obeys my voice. Every sensation and sense perception is mine to command. You can not attain to your destiny without apprenticing to me and learning what I know first hand.
“I offer my gifts freely--every treasure I possess--except for one thing. You see, I need a disciple, one who is worthy to assume my position when I am promoted. Therefore, my offer to you is unique and without precedent in the demonic realms. Take as much as you want of what I have whenever you want it, except I require that you never leave my kingdom or the domain where I reign.
“You do not have to decide now. Take as long as you want. Explore, see, feel, taste, listen, smell the fragrance--it is all your inheritance. Try things out. Take days, months, years, decades. It makes no difference to me. I am after results that last for eternity. I think in the end you will find that my mansion has more rooms of pleasure and satisfaction than you can ever discover or imagine. But don’t take my word for it. Let the test be your first hand experience. The five senses do not deceive in revealing the treasures I conceive.
“And as a further act of good will, I give you the woman of whom you have always dreamed. The deepest desires will flow through the two of you, for without this profound degree of intimacy, your emptiness will only increase. Take her, touch her, taste her--you will end up asking yourself, ‘Is it possible to have greater intimacy than this?’
“With her, you will come to feel that you have never separated from her--the oneness will be that complete. You will feel you have always known her, that life makes no sense without her, and that you were not really alive until the moment you met.
“I sense doubt on your part. Come. Let us reason together and discuss the outcome you desire. Kamhia, in your own words, tell me exactly what you want from a woman? Just say it right out. Don’t think. Let your heart speak for you.”
Kamhia replies, “What do I want from a woman? I want a woman who is innocent yet sophisticated, vulnerable yet committed, vivacious yet caring, sensual yet possessing spiritual depth. I want a woman who is so empty at the core of her being that she can easily contain all that I am enfolding me in an instant with her eyes, her lips, her breath.”
The demon replies nodding his head as if showing respect, “Your request is granted. As for the one condition concerning the restriction on your freedom, it is just a practical matter. Every society must have boundaries and definition in order to establish and sustain stability and productivity--in order to complete its historical role and mission. My kingdom is the same. You can not inherit unless you join. It is a small price to pay for admission.”
For a number of years, Kamhia took the demon up on his offer. Kamhia explored the range and spectrum of primal gratification, intense sensations, enthrallment, and spellbinding emotional displays. In the end, there was that same old question still hanging in the air--love is more than the sensations the senses explore. There is a oneness of hearts that makes for a new creation. Kamhia just could not get the hang of things from the demon’s perspective. Kamhia was addicted to the idea of creating something new. It is the curse of prophets as well that their visions do not jell with expectations forged out of the cauldron of the past.
By contrast, it was the demon’s desire that Kamhia come to enjoy power for its own sake. In which case, others come to serve and obey you blindly without asking critical questions. There is no other way. But Kamhia kept doggedly loving and honoring those whom he possessed. It was very upsetting. The demon finally said to Kamhia, “I don’t want you to come around more. You offend me. You are a disgrace to my demonic state, you are bad for my reputation, and you interfere with my work. Go away and never come back.”
Perhaps it was the combination of overpowering emotions combined with physical exhaustion, but when the women the demon gave Kamhia left as well, Kamhia felt like a hungry ghost--a departed soul without a body to gratify the cravings of the senses. That is what Kamhia seems to be saying in the following poem which he wrote while recovering from the experience.
I am dead now
The fire has no where to burn
The smoke and smoldering desires of memory fade
The twigs, the leaves, the coals--
There is no fuel left for flame
Only the sound of your heartbeat
Only the seas of your love
Only this rain of tears falling
Though eyes, ears, and body no longer remain.
Kamhia’s Discussion with God
To say the least, my experience with demons was devastating. And so it was that one day in a moment of pure insight I decided to speak to the judge of my case. I spoke not to some angel or archangel or guardian angel or Judge of the human race.
No, I was not willing to work through the bureaucratic channels according to the rules. Instead, I spoke to God face to face. This was not difficult for me. When you are a high priest, you have certain privileges and prerogatives. You have keys and ancient knowledge at your disposal. You have the way and the means. It is like passing through a gate that is always there and always standing open. You just have to formulate the kind of intention that alters fate enough to get you through the gate.
I proceeded and did what I needed to appear in God’s presence. And then I said to God, “Clearly, I have failed to live up to my side of the agreement. This has been the cause of all the suffering I have undergone. Therefore, let me add an addendum to the original offer and acceptance without modifying the original intent--of my vow to love a woman with all of my heart.
“I would add this: with each woman I meet, I shall seek to understand her desires and listen to her heart so that I might learn how to become a man who can love a woman with all of my heart.
“The oath remains. We are just placing it in a new time frame.
Though I made the commitment, I did not realize in the beginning the necessary conditions and obligations the commitment entails--that to accomplish the objective requires wisdom, strength, knowledge, experience, and a superhuman level of caring.”
“And not hearing a response, I immediately went on, “I sense doubt on Your part. You think I only want to be promiscuous. You feel I lack the resolve and commitment and that my intent is not genuine. Let me argue my case. How can there be wisdom without experience? How can there be the kind of love of which I speak except a man learn how to feel and play upon every nerve in a woman’s body as a musician learns to play every string and note that his lute contains? A lover must also be an artist.
“Oh You who are the Creator, do You not agree with me when I say: as you approach the heart of another to unite all that you are with all that is within the other, at that moment love transcends the human and expands outward to infinity, entering and uniting with every other hearts in the universe.
“The lover is an artist and is therefore also a mystic and a magician. To love a woman with all of my heart I must apprentice to You, the Creator. To love is to be free and also to be united so that the senses are liberated and are able to perceive without the thoughts of the mind or the desires of the body interfering with the perceptions. To be pure requires a taste that can distinguish the good from the bad. Purity is not a gift at the beginning but the result at the end.
“Therefore I will shall look for You in every women even as I walk through the halls whose walls are flames of desire and whose floors are whirlpools of craving. And as I taste, touch, smell, see, and hear the woman’s body before me--even though every sensory sensation is a door leading downward into a dungeon of demons, I shall fear not. For the woman’s body and soul are Your temple.
“It is here, amid the conflict and confusion, here in the darkest place that I shall be granted a vision of Your face. For how shall I love and create like unto Your love and artistic creativity except I also contain within myself my opposite? By Your grace, pain and agony I shall transmute into ecstasy.
“By Your inspiration, the horror and hell, and betrayal and abandonment I shall transform into beauty. By Your will, I shall enter the darkest place, and passing through, I shall again ascend and enter the light that has no end. If love is to demonstrate its endless creativity then it will be done here amid this world and through this body and soul in which I dwell.”
Conclusion. If I may jump ahead of my story line, years later, after fleeing for his life, Kamhia was granted protection by King Irkomen. It is there that we gain a last glimpse into Kamhia’s strange theology concerning darkness and light, demons and divine inspiration.
A young woman, an acolyte seeking higher initiation into the Temple of Venus, came to visit Kamhia. She was working on a thesis relating to the mysteries of love. Her specific research proposal focused on defining the ecstasies and the dangers surrounding those moments when human and divine love overlap, intersect, and join as one.
It has been years since Kamhia had anyone to talk to about his experiences with love. So he took the day off from his job overseeing the manufacture and distribution of beer and walked among green hills and tall forests as he poured out his soul to this young woman.
Someone had once said to Kamhia, “I am not afraid to ask you stupid questions.” The individual assumed and took for granted that Kamhia was always generous and understanding. To this Kamhia had replied, “Be afraid. And know this, it is the intent and not the intelligence behind the question that is important. Certain kinds of knowledge and wisdom can never be found if the question does not arise from the heart. Ask the wrong question and you put yourself years if not decades behind in your search.”
But this young woman did ask the right question and it was obvious her heart was in it. She says, “Tell me what you have learned about love?” She knew that Kamhia was the only one in Ubarim who could speak freely with the Goddess of the Earth without relying upon elaborate rituals, words of power, or undergoing rare initiations.
Kamhia replies, “There is no question that true love exists. It is not once every century that it appears on earth nor only every seven years during the Great Rite. It can happen to anyone in a moment, a microsecond, during a dream or a vision. It can appear during a touch or a kiss. It can happen any way you wish.
“It is not its appearance that is rare. It is the price you pay for it, its cost, that makes it so dear.
“And what is the price? How do you gain admission to this magical, mystical, and mythical kingdom of love?” she asks.
Kamhia says, “One of the elements of love of this kind is that you no longer need to know who you are. You leave your identity behind. It is only in love that you can undergo transformation without knowing where you are going or what you are becoming. As with any true initiation, it is the silence you explore, the darkness you enter, and the emptiness you embrace before the knowing, before the light and the revelation appear that determine how much truth you may embrace.
“In love, two hearts approach each other and join. To accomplish this, you must cross over your personal boundaries. You leave aside the familiar definitions that protect your identity. In a very real sense, the world as you know it comes to an end.
“You can not let another enter the depths of your self nor can you find these depths without crossing over into the unknown. Love is a power beyond all knowledge and wisdom. Its ecstasy is the power behind creation.”
“What are you saying about the individuals who embrace such love? Are you saying that they can not remember what has happened to them--they forget it because it is so different, or that it is too painful to endure? Or are you saying it is beyond the power of words?” she asks.
Kamhia replies, “Let me put it simply. If you let down your boundaries to love another, the parts of yourself you do not know, the darkness inside yourself, shows up as well. It is not only intimacy and oneness that occurs during love. The demons who dwell beyond the safe boundaries that guard morality and conventional forms of love, duty, and responsibility--these demons come forward demanding you explain to them why you have disturbed them because it is your love that has awakened them.
“It is like this. Two lovers in their love stumble beyond the boundaries of the world. They enter a unknown kingdom of the soul. In that place there are great treasures of ecstasy and also great demons. The demons are there because the unknown and unexplored contains things for which we have no names. And some of these things are powers that create and others destroy even as the source of light is a dark fire that destroys matter.
“The way to survive this journey is for each lover to feel completely comfortable in being able to slip into and out of their identities. To live in the moment with clinging to definitions, to be without rules and expectations, and to see the world new in each sensory perception--this is the only protection.
“Without this emptiness and this degree of personal freedom, two lovers look at each other surrounded as they are by the unknown. And in that unknown kingdom of the soul, you are either a noble knight come to rescue your mate from the darkness or else you are the enemy--the one who has taken the other into the unknown and then abandoned him or her in that strange place.
“The demons in one sense are familiar to us all--jealousy, hatred, fear, terror, anger, regret, etc. But the worst is abandonment--to find that the love you felt you had has become an alien presence that indwells you and which you can not banish. This is the danger of true love--people prefer placing upon the unknown a familiar face when their imagination can no longer define or name the experiences they embrace.
“It is so much easier to blame--to say that the other has hurt you rather than confront the pain that is hidden in yourself. It is easier to say the other has wounded you than to take responsibility for healing your wounds. So many are so ready to insist that their lover owes them protection and then bind and chain them rather than realize that to be alive is to be without protection.”
She asks, “How is it possible to put aside fear and insecurity? And is that the only way for this level of intimacy to be gained?”
Kamhia responds, “I know that putting aside fear and insecurity are required but I have not yet accomplished this for myself. I have found answers to my questions but organizing my life in a way that my dreams can be fulfilled--this has eluded my grasp. Perhaps you my dear will return to me one day and share with me what you have attained. I ask this only if you should find such a desire within your heart.”
Kamhia Commits Heresy
I violated the Great Rite today. If the Elders discover my heresy my life is gone. What wrong have I committed? I performed the sacred ritual on my own without authorization out of my desire for knowledge.
I taught a woman to dance with such beauty and grace that the Goddess of the Earth was free to appear within her body and soul. Oh I know, this act runs counter to all the traditions and ideals upon which Ubarim was founded. It is just that, at times, my desire has no limitations. It would probe and grasp, taste and unite with the essence of the universe. I would celebrate light and life--if only for a brief moment, She shall be my consort.
I was easy enough to do given all that I have learned about women. You just need to sense and then comprehend the beauty a woman’s soul was intended to express. This is not that difficult. All my life I have studied and worshiped women. All my life I have sought new and unknown ways to unite with them. Actually, the idea is to guide the woman so she senses, yields to, and then unites with the primordial powers of attraction always present within her nervous system and just outside the reach of her consciousness.
Of course, your intent has to be clear. You have to draw into the girl’s dance the marvelous fluidity and also the mysterious depths of the sea. That part is in the way she moves and sways her hips--undulating, rhythmic, and mesmerizing--the beauty and art of ecstasy. With my hands on her skin, I show her how to let go, to abandon herself surrendering to the feeling of absolute trust. I have practiced and accomplished this with women for years.
And you must also capture the open, luminous, and boundless light of the sky--the taste of freedom and the magnificence of the enlightened mind. This is found in the woman’s eyes. There is a slight trick in getting a woman to perceive so that her eyes become luminous like a prism that bends light for the sake of beauty.
You look into her eyes, into their depths, and there you must see every desire that has ever been and ever shall be--you see it satisfied, every craving gratified. The universe at peace. All human need freed. Her eyes are like a candle wick. Your will is the fire that causes that wick to ignite. Imagination sometimes requires great intensity of undisturbed concentration. This is a time for such application.
There is more but I think you get my drift. You have to unlock the powers in the five senses with you voice, your eyes, your tongue, your fingertips. You have to enliven the woman’s nerves so that her body is ready to burst yet equally contain that fire within a feeling of cool, lunar, luminous, and soft tranquility. You combine the yin and the yang without diminishing either and without dispersing the energy through excitability or anxiety.
And then you need to play music that expresses the deepest desires of the heart, that follows them down into that place where the Earth gave birth to life at the start. The result is that the Goddess senses you have created a place where She is welcome. In such a place, all of life is felt and held in your heart without fear of loss.
I have accomplished this because I know how to love a woman. I know the need that burns in the depths of her soul and how to tranquilize, sooth, and take the pain away so that only satisfaction remains. Let others consider my actions unlawful and an abomination. I tell you, the Goddess seeks to awaken and to have Her beauty expressed in and through every woman. In regard to this point, I will never recant or turn away from what I have seen, touched, tasted, and felt.
The Goddess of the Earth
One day, the Goddess of the Earth appeared to me in a waking vision. She said, “In all of the earth, you are the only human being who has discovered that every desire contains a fire that inspires. You search beyond the realms of light, righteousness, and illuminated sight. You enter the dungeons of the heart to penetrate the darkness of the soul for the mysteries of love that shall unfold. You have discovered that love must taste both pain and sorrow if it is to embrace bliss and ecstasy.
Therefore, I grant you this boon--you may ask of me any questions regarding the heavens above, the earth below, or the fate and destiny of the human race I shall bestow.
I replied, “The answers to my questions have been hidden from my race, as if even the archangels’ faith, conviction, and clarity of vision fail when it comes to penetrating them. Illuminate my mind and heart so that my doubts are vanquished and my fears forever depart.
“Why do we strive with each other so that love is more rare than a starburst that flares so distant and alone amid the celestial cold? And tell me this: why is peace a fleeting dream, a desert flower that blooms in brief relief after the storms and cataclysms that history shapes? Is it that the beauty of love and peace are so deep the human heart can neither imagine nor endure it?
The Goddess replied, “Male and female do not easily become one. They join yet I have made them separate so that all obstacles they may overcome. And this is the reason: the oneness I require is forged in the fire that, out a song of Joy, gave birth to all the stars. The passion I inspire knows every desire--it probes the secrets concealed in darkness; it tastes the mysteries revealed by light.
“In the touch of a kiss, in the palms of those who behold My bliss, are the powers of creation--My children shall be as the light of the morning, a morning washed clean, filled with wondrous dreams, as a new dawn rising in the darkest abyss; My beauty shall be upon them, for they shall create justice, love, and peace where none exist.
“There are those on earth who consider that the effort I require is too great, that I have given too much testosterone to men and that this is a mistake. They seek an easier way more gentle and nurturing, one in which the circle of affection is never broken. They dream of rest and peace and shelter in which the heart of conflict is never penetrated.
“There are mothers who would hold the fetus in their womb so that it may live on without ever being born. They offer the Garden of Eden and Paradise without ever paying a price. There is the mother who relishes in the infant’s need and desire for her breasts. She cherishes that attachment and would have mankind remain a part of nature, free from technology and knowledge of the fires that burn in the stars.
“There is the mother who would keep the child from becoming a man. She feels he will no longer be hers once he comes to understand the law and order of the universe that she only faintly comprehends. There is the mother who would refuse the young man from taking fate and destiny into his own hands. She feels he will abandon her--friendship and gratitude never nurtured, learned, or born in any form.
“But I am not as these. I freely offer my power and the essence of my being. I hold nothing back. I only ask of my children that they go forth in freedom, for my beauty and love shall inspire them. And we shall never be separate, for I dwell within them.
“And in the fullness of time, they shall become more than me. And in that day my dreams shall be fulfilled and the purposes behind creation shall reach new heights, for this is the kind of Goddess I am.
“For four billion years, I have watched and nourished this planet. I have waited and contemplated. But now the time is right. I require a race that can protect the planet and all life from natural disasters and from the limitations of fate.
“I ask not only that you survive and prevail. I ask you to become more so that the desires of my heart may be fulfilled, that my dreams might be made real. To this end, I have placed within your hearts the instincts of every animal, the intent of every demon, and the inspiration of every angel. This knowledge does not lead to bondage. It is the gift of freedom.
“It is not enough during this short interglacial period for your race to attain to peace and harmony so that wars are no more and equality becomes reality. I need a race that thrives on quests. I need a race that dreams of what may be and then ascends. I need you to be my friends. To this end, I search among you for those who would be my champions and defend the purposes I intend.
“And so it is no mystery that, unlike so many others, your species makes war upon itself as you strive with one another to attain planetary domination. And it is no wonder that you marvel at the cost of evolution as if the price I require is too much to pay--to plumb the depths of despair, to have terror and war in the air, to have horror and death fall upon those for whom you care. You discover that the greatest power can not quench desire and that the greatest wisdom can not create love.
“This is my answer to your despair: the beauty of love you consider to be so rare is everywhere. It is in the air. It is in a kiss and every taste of bliss. Every desire is my gift.
“Every flower on earth sings a different song through which I rejoice. Every tree bares witness to me--my longings are within its leaves. Its roots vibrate with my being. Every stream and cloud, every lake and sea speak of me.
“Every volcano exploding is my hunger overflowing in ecstasy. Every mountain prays for my children to awaken and to discover their freedom.
“I am a planet circling a star among countless others spread out among countless galaxies. But in my heart I am far more. I am the consort to the Creator and together we have created the universe. We ask of you that you become as we are. We invite you to celebrate our love.
“To accomplish this, do as we do--make the world new. There are no limitations or restrictions placed upon who you are or what you may accomplish. Probe the mysteries and depths of our hearts--you will find that the treasures of Our beauty and the mysteries of Our love are within you and within and beneath every desire.
“If you want to love another and also to be loved, act without fear. All the earth is sacred--every living being hold dear. Love will then flow in you, through you, from you, and to you. Oneness with another you will not be denied. It will come to you in the fullness of time when you are able to endure the fire, the power, and find your way across the abyss where every true creator exists.
“And peace as well shall circle the earth and encompass the stars when the hearts of those whose love master both light and dark. The love of which I speak fulfills every purpose and satisfies every need.
“In My love, all separation is overcome. The journey through darkness, sorrow, and loss is recaptured by the creators and remade into a song more beautiful than the stars. It shall be even as I say, though each indeed is free to chart his or her own way.
“In the hearts of my children shall burn my passion. Their eyes shall see through the hearts of the stars and in their smiles you shall see the beauty of the constellations. In their hands shall be the powers of creation. And as for My voice--mountain, wind, fire, and tree shall be the consonants with which they speak. Sky and sea, earth and galaxy shall be in the vowels that resonate when they speak of Me.
“No religion comprehends Who I Am, though it is I who grant permission to each before they may appear on earth. But the day shall come when those who seek to be transformed and to attain absolute freedom shall come to me for nourishment and inspiration. And in that day, the love, oneness, and peace that you seek shall fill all the earth.”
This was one of the dialogues Kamhia recorded after having spoken to the Goddess. This is all I know about Kamhia at this point in my story. No doubt more stories will come to me in time. Kamhia was certainly a man of complexity and contradictions. He is probably the most controversial in Ubarim. The darkest and the brightest, the lowest and the highest--he would have loved to have fused them together in order to create a new wonder.