Copyright © 2010 by William R. Mistele. All rights reserved.
Conversation: On Relationships with Men
This discussion is about men who focus on controlling and/or only having sex with a woman. She responded to my global casting call, but had never been to Hawaii. We did six days of shoots. I wrote the story for her called Double Changeling.
These “hard core” mermaid type women do not like to wear bathing suits, so we did almost all nude shoots.
The male editor reviewing my book on undines thought it would be great to use pictures of her in the book. But the female editors did not even want to have pictures of women representing undines in the book lest it offend readers who have preconceived ideas about what mermaids are and what they should look like.
I thought that to be hysterically funny. The entire Western world knows almost nothing about mermaids. Almost all fairy tales in world literature are completely misleading. Mermaids in personality are nothing like human women. See my Fifteen Traits of Mermaid Women, which is a genuine study in anthropology describing a type of personality never mentioned before in world literature.
I told one female editor, “This may be your last chance to use this woman as a model in a book.” By saying “your chance” I meant the human race may not have another chance. She is sent in as a final warning to a civilization to get their act together or else cease to exist. She has the most powerful aura of anyone I have ever tuned into on earth. Her power is beyond the knowledge of our race of Homo sapiens. But it takes a genuine community oriented toward the love and magic of water to “activate” her powers. Such a community has never existed before on earth. It is not her job to lead us. It is our job to welcome her.
All the same, I thought I would post this brief except from her interview because it is so funny to me about how she describes her experiences with human males. She is not coming from a feminist position that women have been abused. She is coming from a position that love is free flowing and everywhere and that there is no need to interfere with that flow.
Bill: The question you might ask certain kinds of men to help clarify the relationship, “Do you feel there is something good that comes from being around me that is different from just wanting to have sex with me?”
K: It is so interesting just to ask someone this and “and get out there right in front of everything else.”
Bill: As a very attractive model, you must often confront the typical kind of male responses to women such as yourself?
K: Such as?
Bill: You probably get stalkers?
Bill: Any very wealthy people asked you to marry him?
K: No. No one has asked me to marry him.
K: They will talk about it but I notice in America people get married much younger, like some are already divorced who are younger than me. Which in a way is very romantic in that they get caught up in it. Here in the United States you make romantic movies so people are influenced—they get to know each other for two months and they say, “Oh, let’s get married. It has been two months.”
But none of my friends have gotten married. I haven’t been to a wedding since I was nine. My parents are not married so I like the idea of marriage. It is very romantic.
Bill: It is way for example that guys want to make the relationship permanent so that the woman does not get away from them.
K: Oh. When I was going through the phase of the boyfriends picking me and my not picking them I did get this they would tell me I was the girl they wanted to spend the rest of their life with kind of stuff. But they did not go out and buy a ring and ask me to marry them.
I have had one boyfriend for two years and another for three years and that is most of my twenties so I haven’t had that much experience yet.
But then it came to me that all these men were picking me.
Bill: Looking at your portfolio you must have known something like a hundred and fifty photographers.
K: I don’t know I never counted them.
Bill: And some of them must take a real interest in you personally.
K: I try to keep my personal and professional life separate.
Bill: All the same, there must be these really creative photographers who are very charming, have their lives together, and it feels good just to be around them, and they are a lot of fun?
Bill: And who you know are capable of being completely loyal to you.
Bill: And you have met at least three people like that.
K: Yes. I have. I have to be careful. If you are not really into that person it is not right to be with them even if they are a “textbook catch.”
Bill: But you must have met at least three people who were really right?
K: When I stopped looking for someone it was really nice to be single and alone. But when you stop needing someone it is like that is when the right person comes along. But I am very cautious in that you have to get to know someone really well.
Bill: So you have a discovery process?
K: Yeah, because before the men would just rush in and this was a problem because they didn’t know me. They fell in love with something else. They didn’t love me as a person.
Bill: Were these accomplished individuals?
K: My last two boyfriends didn’t have cars, so money has not been a big thing for me.
Bill: If I can put it this way, a woman with your level of beauty as a model must have a selection of the top one per cent of the available males across the board without limitation of social class, nationality, etc.
K: It took me a while to realize that.
Bill: You can date these creative artist types but you also have this magic card that allows you access to the highly successful and remarkable men.
K: Let me give you an example. There is an age for guys around twenty seven or so and they think ….
Bill: Oh, this is great.
K: And they think, “Oh my God, I have got to have this career, I have got to have this 2.2 kids, a white picket fence, and this, this, this, and this. Whew, I have got to get a girlfriend now. Oh, everyone is looking at that chick. Hey, I want that one. I’ll go talk to her. She’s nice. Great. “Do you want to have a key to my house? I want you to meet my mom and dad.”
But the next thing is he says, “Um, why are you doing that? I don’t like you doing that. What did you just say? Is that how you usually speak?”
And I’ll be like relaxed or something.
And he says, You know, I am going to try to control you know because I don’t like you as a person but I like the whole package: I like the outside and I am telling myself I love the inside but I may be deceiving myself because I don’t think you and I work but I am going to just try to control you.
I am not going to accept you as you are, because you don’t constantly hug me or because you looked at someone else or you hugged someone else or you didn’t tie your shoelaces the way I tie my shoelaces. And this is your problem not mine.
And I think, Why can’t you just love me and think that I am special for me and just accept me?
And he says in effect, No, I am not going to accept you. You have to conform to my way. You are the one with the problem, blah, blah, blah.
And I will say, “Can we talk about this?”
And he says, “No, you are being selfish. It is my way or the highway.”
So, they really didn’t know me and I would get very hurt and I didn’t used to know how to express my hurt very well. And I would be upset and confused.
And I couldn’t understand, Why don’t they love me for me? Why do these men keep wanting me to be this other person? I am tolerant. I accept all these different things about a man. Why can’t he find balance and equal acceptance of me? Why should I have to scoop ice cream the way he does or I would like to go do different things like modeling, that is a big one.
I would let him do whatever he wants. I think there should be an equal balance. I mean, I offer great freedom to a man and his choices but please let me have the freedom to do what I want to do.
I would find these guys and they would be so unhappy with me. And at the same time they needed me so much and thought I was the perfect girl for them, but I really wasn’t because they did not really know me. They liked the outside but they wanted to remake the inside. And if she won’t change, then damn this woman, she is a psycho person.
If she won’t conform, then I am going to think she is nuts and I am going to tell her she is nuts. And I am going to put her down and make her think that she is the one who is going crazy.
Bill: So you have been through that more than once?
K: I have had a couple of relationships like that.
Bill: It is like they are hiring you to fulfill a job description. So you have to live up to the job description or you are fired.
K: Yeah. I started reading books so I wouldn’t be dating the same kind of person over and over. And I needed to look at what I was doing in choosing certain men and why I was doing it. And I needed to change that and take responsibility for it.
I started dating this other guy who was unlike all the previous men. And he was kind of like everything society tells you to have in a man. He was self-sufficient, he was educated, he had money, nice car, blah, blah, blah, but (snapping fingers) there was no chemistry going on at all.
So I thought maybe I like the other guys because they involve issues with my past. So I asked myself, Does that mean I have to be with these other type of men from the past to feel the passionate spark?
But I said to myself, No wait a minute. I can have the balance of finding someone I am attracted to emotionally and physically, it was just that all of them picked me. Obviously I was drawn to them.
And then I met men like yourself who are saying, “You can have any man you want. And I say to myself, Really? But I had very low self-esteem and I don’t want to go to the opposite and feel I am so valuable. Because I have seen people like that. I think you should be appreciative and humble. I would like to achieve that. I had always been told you can’t be happy. You have to learn to compromise and maybe I went along with that too much.
Bill: So we were talking about breaking the cycle of having men picking you ….
K: And for me to come to terms with my accepting being able to pick the partner.
Bill: There is at times an irrational, overpowering attraction that characterizes the chemistry in some relationships. Without it, as one woman told me, she didn’t feel a powerful attraction to her husband when she married him. So when they had hard times she said, “I’ll love you always but you are more like a brother and goodbye.”
With some relationships, the partners will actually say things like, “I can’t imagine living my life without you. My life was not in focus until I met you. I feel things with you I never felt with anyone else. I feel we were meant to be together.”
K: (Rising up in her chair) But, but, but, they really say that? ….that is very romantic; but, that is lovely, but I am pitying that person because that poor person (holding her chest) can not find those things within themselves? I mean it is out there in the beauty of life; I mean you are born alone and you die alone.
I like the idea of finding the right person but I think you should find happiness within yourself rather than living it through someone else.
That I can’t live my life without you kind of thing is wonderful if the other person is mutually feeling that way. But there are the guys who do that kind of blackmail, “If you leave me I will commit suicide.”
I am just wondering what is behind the feeling that the other person is so irreplaceable and unique—is it something beautiful or is it selfish?
Bill: How about if it was just someone you really wanted, like, this person would be great for my life ….
K: Oh, lovely.
Bill: You have had that feeling?
K: Yes, I have had feelings like that, briefly. And I get caught up in the guys who fall for me where I say, “Well, maybe he is like that—maybe he is different from the last one. And I have been in love and I still reflect on some of the nicest times shared together.
The ones I had the long terms relationships with I was in love with.
I actually feel happiest when I am by myself. I feel guilty when I have a boyfriend, like if I go and have fun or if I feel happy without him ….
Bill: I have observed that women who are very content inside are also extremely independent. They can be in very deep relationships but they can also be without the relationship and not feel the pain of the loss. They just know how to live by themselves.
You know how to live by yourself successfully; it feels good, so you are measuring relationships by, Is it going to add or subtract from what I already have?
K: It is like I have always been with these guys since I was seventeen. If I breakup with one another comes along right away—it is not that I am looking, but I would say, “It is like this person really likes me. It is like love; everyone used to tell me I was ugly in school. This is wonderful. Oh my God. I have never heard such beautiful words before. I remember the first time I heard someone say I was beautiful. Me, I always imagined myself as being so plain. And that was only recently too.
So I liked the feeling of being by myself and not having to constantly worry about this other person and be responsible for how he feels where every little decision I make would be the wrong decision. That was really depressing me.
Bill: Do you extend your aura around some of these individuals so that at will you can sense what is going on with them?
Just sitting here in your aura, I notice that my psychic abilities are greatly enhanced. For example, this man you were talking about is very staid, and also strong, like he can respond really well in a crisis. But he could easily live by himself for six months in a cabin and not miss being around other people.
K: Yeah, he does live by himself in a cabin. I have warnings going off not to extend my sensitivity in that way. I think I am not ready at this time to confront the karma of being that open.
I am highly sensitive to people’s energy. If I walk into a room …. I think I know where you are coming from now.
I mean I knew someone who was lying on a couch and I would pick up straight away that he was depressed or I would meet someone in a store I had met once before and I would pick up what was going on inside that person, like he was upset. And it is hard to sometimes figure out if he is just upset or if he is upset at you, or I would feel so involved with another’s emotions sensing them and wanting so much for them to feel better.